When tensions rise, it’s easy to fall into old patterns without even realizing it. One helpful framework for understanding these patterns comes from transactional analysis, a psychological approach that shows how we often slip into familiar “scripts” when interacting with others — especially in challenging situations.
These scripts usually stem from how we experienced authority growing up, and they can create cycles of conflict if we’re not careful. Transactional analysis highlights three main ways we tend to show up in these moments:
- Child Mode: When someone feels overwhelmed or cornered, they may retreat into Child mode. In this state, people often reject responsibility, become dismissive, or act defiantly. You’ll see it when someone shrugs off feedback with an “I don’t care” attitude or insists on doing things their own way, regardless of how it affects others.
- Parent Mode: On the flip side, a person feeling powerless might try to reassert control by slipping into Parent mode. Despite the name, this isn’t the calm voice of reason — it’s often the voice of rigid authority. If you’ve ever been spoken to like you were a child — with a tone that feels more scolding than supportive — you were likely dealing with someone operating from Parent mode.
- Adult Mode: The goal in any interaction is to stay in Adult mode. Operating as an Adult means dealing with reality as it is, without trying to ignore it (like in Child mode) or control it (like in Parent mode). Adults focus on facts, listen openly, and respond thoughtfully rather than reacting emotionally.
Recognizing when you — or someone else — has slipped into Child or Parent mode can help you break the cycle before it spirals. When you stay rooted in Adult mode, you set the tone for healthier, more productive conversations, even when emotions run high.
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